Lessons Learned

I‘m sorry is what I would like to say. Sorry for going M.I.A. Sorry for not creating content. For not being there for my readers. Rebel Roses have always said that we would be here to help those who need us. To create a safe place for all those who fear judgment, ridicule, animosity and discrimination to come and feel safe among our own peers and fellow rebels. For the past few months we have not been here.

I wanted to come back so many times. Carrying my notebook and pen everywhere but never putting pen to paper. My own fears and insecurities would hold me back. Words would come to my mind but somehow get lost on their way to my fingers. I would hold a pen and have so much to say but suddenly the English language would become much to vast. Choosing words in a ocean of nouns, adjectives, metaphors and similes appeared to be an impossible task to achieve. I took a month off to find myself. To finally calm my mind. To turn away from my screen and deal with the mess that was my life. But a month turned to a month and a few days. That turned into a month and a few weeks. Eventually turning into simply months. But there's nothing simple about it. The longer that I didn’t write the lower my writing confidence became. Not only that, but I was officially trapped in my head. There was no outlet to release the tension, thoughts, ideas and worries. My head was filled to the brim with so much that I thought that this is what being crazy looks like. We talk about he/ she is crazy, that party was crazy or that our lives are crazy. I felt like I was slipping away from the reality that I knew. I watched as the world accepted this impostor as if they couldn't see that I no longer was there. I was living a dull lifeless existence through the lens of a facade. She took over and met with friends and family, went to work and participated in life activities to keep up the act of things being okay. On the inside I was withering away. Slowly day by day I wondered if I could continue holding onto this rope that attached me to reality. Because other than that rope, my world was dark. I was shrouded in a dark fog of anxiety and depression. It was my own voice belittling me. It was my voice that told me that I was nothing and no one. It was my voice telling me if I left no one would care. If I told people there is a voice inside my head, don’t you think they would find me crazy? With the fear of rejection, pity and ridicule I kept it all inside this shell I made.
I would yearn to write out my emotions and thoughts. Write a letter to myself and apologize for how I treated me. Write to everyone who read our blogs. I wanted to write anything just for the sake of writing. But I couldn’t. I could not muster up the strength and motivation to do anything. Writing has always been a part of my life. Initially I had thought that taking a step away from the words and the screen, I could free up some room in my mind to think about who I was. I didn’t just stop writing, I stopped everything. Thinking if I could stop it with ease then I didn’t need it in my life. Oh how wrong I was. It was after dropping everything and just existing that I realized I had a great skill of adapting. I could lose everything, but somehow built a new life, find new activities, create myself again. But what I used to do made me who I am. Me writing is me being creative. Me working out and playing sports is me being athletic, me dancing shows my balance and grace. What I do is not only for entertainment. It is an expression of me. The ability to portray my skills and abilities to not just those around me but to myself as well. By trying to find myself I was losing who I had become; it’s what made me unique and special. Some know better than others on how this lifestyle can become a toxic loop. Days become a blur and suddenly so much time has past without you noticing.

This break was a blessing and a curse. I felt myself fragment. I was no longer whole. My mind, body and spirit became three entities. There was nothing to bind them together. They no longer had to work together to create, achieve or experience. But during this time away I learnt a lot, not just about myself, but of the world, culture, traditions, tragedies and miracles. I was able to stop daily routines and get out from inside my own head. To see the world in a new light. To see people for who they really are and to take every lesson that comes with them. Is that not what we all are? People come in and out of our lives. Some stay and some leave. With every one who comes in, they bring with them a lesson whether it is a lesson on love, pain, patience, faith or realization. Sometimes you are someone else's lesson. When people leave, you have learnt all that they have to teach. They must move on so both of you can continue to grow and advance. I have come to the realization that no matter what, I will always be craving more knowledge and understanding. My lesson plan and class list was not a mistake and not random. I can’t hold onto something once it is gone. I have learned to remember everything taught and to embrace every lesson with open arms no matter the difficulty. I will forever be changing, growing and I will no longer run from what is supposed to build me up. Talking to those around me opened my eyes to a world around me that I now yearn to see and embrace. Something has finally sparked my curiosity. In this break, I have been broken, misunderstood, lied to, betrayed, depressed and scared. But I have also felt joy, gone on adventures, made beautiful connections, found my faith and belief, grew closer with my family and I fell in love with an amazing man. I had to be broken down to be built back up higher and stronger than before. I’m not suddenly a changed woman, I’m still me. However I see so much more, understand more, tolerate and don’t tolerate more. I am grateful for those around me. For all those who saw my potential and believed I could reach my goals. It wasn’t just my writing confidence I lost but also I lost a part of me. Dealing with an injury is not just physical. It is emotionally and spiritually exhausting as well. It affects every part of someone’s life. At times I couldn’t support myself. There were too many times where my own thoughts and fears weighed my body down. Slowly I was sinking further and further beneath the currents. Time after time I watched my loved ones jump in after me to save me from my own destruction. I can not thank everyone enough. Their fight to keep me afloat is heartbreakingly beautiful. To watch someone you love being haunted by their own demons and to watch as they are dying as they are living must have been incredibly hard. The people in my life have a kind of strength that could have Thor and Superman hesitate. They are truly an inspiration. I would not be here without them and I can say that with confidence. I have come to realize my own strength, but not until overcoming and reflecting on everything that happened and everything that I went through. I have a new confidence in myself that I could never expect to achieve through research alone. I went into battle and saw the casualties of my trust and my knowledge of self first hand. My views, morals and faith were tested in ways that bent and morphed them, but they never broke. I may have not stood tall at every cross road, sometimes I would drag myself just so I could keep moving forward. One thing was very clear; no matter how broken down I looked on the outside, my mind and will power grew stronger with every step, every struggle, every moment. I wasn’t put in this circumstance because I couldn’t get through it. It was given to me because the universe knew I would prevail. There is something destined for me. I don’t know what or why, but I will use every tool, every opportunity and every chance to grow, learn and become. We are all destined to be somebody. We all have the capability to do great things. It’s all about how you take your lessons. To fight your battles not with anger and fear but to fight with love and respect. The choice to fight is yours. You choose your battle. To build a beautiful community, society and make the world beautiful again. To fight to love yourself again. To fight to let go of pain and hurt. Everyone has a fight that is there to build them up and create the person they are meant to be. Take your time, fight your fight. Finally stop fear, anger and insecurities from holding you back from living your best life. It’s never too late to accept yourself, to believe in yourself and to love yourself.
Rebel Roses are back to stay everyone! Rebel Roses are here to make a difference and to help our fellow rebels. Share your thoughts, ideas and opinions in the comments. What was a big lesson you learned from someone who entered your life?